As the holiday season departs us and we embark on the new year, I cannot help but share my displeasure for a certain month. A month as terrible as my second trimester report card. A month as boring as my love life. A month as pointless as Groundhogs Day. Oh no! I gave it away! It’s the dreaded February. You may be calling me crazy. You may not believe a word I say. But mark my words. I will prove you all wrong. I have prepared yet another list. I promise that it will give this month no love. Ha! Get it? Love? Valentines Day? Anyone? Wow…tough crowd. Well, here’s the darn list.
1. Its spelling makes no sense
It’s spelled “FeBRUary” yet everyone says “FeBUary.” And I totally understand why. It is so much easier just to say “Bu,” but of course it has to complicate everyone’s lives. We Americans do not like to say words that are hard to say, so let’s get it right. Bru is for coffee not for the names of months (I know it’s spelled “brew”, leave me alone). It’s more like “FebBOOary,” am I right?
2. It is home to the worst holiday known to man
While no one can rock the color red like your boy, Valentines has to be the absolute most horrendous holiday in the history of the universe. It just makes people feel bad for being single. Many single guys like myself (hello ladies) have to go through the day receiving no Valentines from anyone, while those hot shot boyfriends get all the glory. The only gift we get is the excessive chocolates from our moms (love you mommy). So while the men in relationship get love, we get fat. Sounds like discrimination at its finest. Move over Christmas, there’s a new jerk in town.
3. It ends America’s favorite sport
How dare it boast about hosting the Super Bowl. I do have to admit that the actual game is quite spectacular and who doesn’t love a great party. You February supporters better not flatter yourselves with this one positive comment. However, you end the most popular sport in America. Everyone was having an awesome time enjoying the NFL playoffs and February comes along and ruins it. Once the NFL season ends, we progress through a very boring month of sports. The NBA season has been going on forever and has lost its excitement. Plus its highly noncompetitive all-star game occurs in the month (wow congrats).Wake me up when the Warriors win the championship again. In the college basketball world it’s not march so no one gives a damn. There’s no regular season MLB games. Do not get me started on NHL. It’s Florida. We do not care about anything related to ice. Go back to Canada.
4. It’s selfishly shorter than the rest of the months
Hey February, in the United States of America we make our months 30-31 days. Why do you have be 28 days long? And you’re not even consistent with it. What is with all this leap year stuff? Are you insecure about your identity? Do you go through aggressive mood swings? Are you emotionally scarred from knowing you’d eventually be the birth month of Stormi Jenner? What’s the deal?! Think about the poor people who have birthdays on your 29th day. Innocent people are dying young because of you. I hope you are happy.
Folks, I come to you with great news. We are almost free from this dreaded month of doom. For those of you that can not bare to live another day, I’m here to help. Just call 453-583-9573 (I made that number up so there’s a good chance it won’t help you). Or you can do what I do. Sit in a corner and cry until it’s over and then write a killer Brainwash article about how much you hate it (© oh no… my bad guys… I have no clue how that got there). Whatever you do I really do not care. Okay I’m done talking now! Please leave!